Tuesday, October 7, 2008

It's our Anniversary

I can't believe its only our two year anniversary. I feel like it should be our 5 yr. I have had such a great time in my marriage that I couldn't imagine my life any other way. I feel like a team with Ryan we both equally share in the relationship and enjoy doing things to make the other happy. Its been 4 and 1/2 yrs of great memories and so many goals to conquer that we have set up for us.

I have school tonight so we werent going to be able to do something but I have decided that I can just skip tonight and turn my work in tomorrow. I have been so overwhelmed with school. My life has been about homework, homework and homework. Taking 9 units and doing the studying and homework has got the best of me. I had no clue that the baby would take so much energy from me. I yawn all day and can't wait to crawl in bed each night. Only two weeks left till I am in my second trimester when my energy level is supposed to pick back up.

On the other note I had a meltdown last Saturday and completely started sobbing. I have wanted to have my own baby forever and would do anything for Ryan and I to achieve that. Now that we are pregnant I am panicked about labor. I keep talking myself into changing my mind I cant get through this, this is reality and I know its painful. I keep telling Ryan theres no way your going to get me through this I am going to panic. Everyone is so excited for us and keeps telling us we deserve this so bad. I think I am the only one to not be happy about it because I have to go through all the pain and nobody else has to feel it.

I really hope we can take some classes and get me over this fear. When I say fear I mean it enormous, its massive fear of childbirth just something I dont want to do period. Due to my situation I am going to have to go through it but holy crap HOW? I am looking into hypno-birthing classes and definetly getting a labor coach, doula or midwife. Some poor person who will be able to be in control. I think thats where the fear comes in. I like to be in controlof my body I dont like medications, drugs or alcohol because you loose control of the way you feel. I know dealing with labor I am going to loose my mind with the pain. I am getting pain meds I want an epiduralbut I am scared of it. I will getting one of course just Wow this just so real now.
I will write another post about another overwhelming fear I am having with this pregnancy. This week the baby is the size of large lime about fully developed with all its parts. My next ultrasound wont be till I am around 18-20 weeks. I can't wait that long so I found a ultrasound place that will give me an hour long ultrasound for $65 bucks I am going to wait till I am around 16 weeks. I will do gender identification around that time. I just want to know what I am having so I can name this baby.

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